A Not So Wordless Wednesday - Body Image
Let's get real here for a minute lovelies. I've been reading all theses posts about body issues and thought I would weigh in (ha!) with my two cents.
This is going to be hard for me. I've had this post sitting in my draft folder since last year so I hope this flows in some sort of coherent fashion.
Okay, I'm going to ramble. Let's all just accept this.
I have body image issues. Have from way back when.
At 13 years old I was 5'7", wore a size 11 shoe, and was clumsy, uncoordinated, and geeky. Let's just say I was not a happy camper in junior high through high school.
But I was good at stuff, school, singing, horses, cooking, sewing, drawing, painting, and so-so at piano. I focused on all the things I was good at and tried to push the fact that I couldn't wear the styles that were popular at the time, could not find cute shoes, and was generally unhappy with how I looked out of my mind. I know clothes and shoes are shallow and vain and completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things but to a teenager they are important. You want to fit in. You want to be accepted.
Still though, years later, I struggle. It's hard for me to loose weight, always has been. I eat right, but exercise right now is kind of here and there and I have to work out to loose weight.
There are days when I'm happy with myself. A good fitting pair of jeans, a rocking pair of boots, and a ponytail usually make me happy. Is there anything better than a good fitting pair of jeans? I ask you.
As I get older I seem to find these moments of happiness closer together, because most people aren't looking at you, and honestly could care less. They are too busy obsessing about what they look like.
I'll never be a size 2. I'll always be awkward and uncoordinated. My feet are never going to shrink.
What I am though, I hope, is a good daughter, a good wife, and hopefully a good Momma. I wanna raise a daughter that thinks she kicks ass, is perfect just the way she is, and has the confidence to find what makes her happy. My parents did that for me, continue to do that for me, my hubby thinks I'm hot, and that is better and more important than fitting into a smaller size.
I would much rather be a strong woman, mentally and physically than a tee-tiny waif any day. Momma can't buck hay or tote feed if she weighs less than a wet noodle. And you know what? I'm sick and tired of people that say you have to improve yourself. What if I'm happy with me right now. What if it's taken me better than a year to get back to a place where I'm healthy mentally? Anyone with any sense knows you have to be right on the inside before you can do any work on the outside. Who are you to say that I have to loose a certain amount of weight or sleep more or drink more water, or eat more fruit, or whatever? I eat well. Always have. I don't eat processed food. I cook at home most of the time for heaven's sake. You all can see that from the blog. Furthermore since I've been pregnant french fries and a big greasy hamburger are something I can only have maybe once or twice a month or I get sick as a dog. I'm not perfect. I'm only going to be on this earth a short time. So yes, sometimes I eat the cookie dammit.
Don't assume because of what I look like on the outside I'm unhealthy on the inside. My blood pressure is always perfect. All through my pregnancy it was perfect. I literally had nurses double check with two different machines to make sure. My blood sugar is always good. My cholesterol is good. And believe it or not I was anemic a few years ago and told to eat more red meat. I'm over 200 pounds and I was anemic.
I'm a big girl. I know this. I have been since I was very young. I looked like a third grader in my kindergarten picture because I was a foot taller than everyone else. I was wearing a ladies size 8 shoe in third grade. I've been wearing a ladies 11/12 shoe, men's 9 since I was thirteen. I wear a size 11 ring. And here's the thing, most charts say I should weigh at the most 153 pounds. At thirteen, it was a good year so sue me, I weighed 134 pounds, wore a size 34 waist Wrangler jean and was a lean, mean, barrel racing machine. You're going to tell me at 32 I should weigh 20 pounds more than I did then? How ridiculous is that?!! It's unrealistic and unobtainable.
Now look, I need to loose some weight. This is a indisputable fact. I put on a good bit over the years at my prior employment primarily due to the fact I was miserable. Then I had a baby. Then I changed jobs.
And excuse after excuse.
But its the honest facts of life. I'm trying and most will tell you I'm not near as puffy as I was. I look better and feel better. I didn't gain this weight over a short period of time and it's going to take me a while to loose it. My body was trying to protect me from all the stress I was under and with my genetics that means my body puts on weight around the midsection. It's called visceral fat. It's a medical fact. Look it up. I'd love to be about 190 again. I know that seems heavy to most people but that would put me in a 36/38 waist Wrangler and I would be happy to be that size the rest of my life.
So ladies, all I have to say is love yourself. I'm guilty as all the rest of hating my body. Hating that I'm not thin. Hating myself for being stressed out and having a cookie when I should have a glass of water. Hating that I don't come home and work out for an hour. Hating myself for eating late. Hating myself for sitting down and watching tv when I should be up doing something. You have to love yourself. You have to find that place within yourself that loves you for you. No matter what anyone else thinks. You have to think of yourself as worthwhile. No matter your shape. No matter your weight.
NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE THINKS.
Love yourself. Don't let this western world tell you you're not worthwhile. Be healthy. Be happy. Love your family and your life.
Four things I aspire to do every day. I fail miserably on a regular basis. I still envy the thin girls, the athletic girls, the girls that can simply diet and loose weight, but I continue to try and that's the battle and we can win it. And you know what?
Gentle reader, you are awesome. Go forth and conquer today.
Hope you are all having a wonderful day my lovelies. Each and every one of you.